


Change the Colour From Grey to Golden

by Aaronlisa



Category: Flowers in the Attic - V. C. Andrews
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-29
Updated: 2018-11-29
Packaged: 2019-09-02 01:32:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16776943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aaronlisa/pseuds/Aaronlisa
Summary: Even after they had escaped the attic, it had left it's mark on them for a very long time.





	Change the Colour From Grey to Golden

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sweetcarolanne](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetcarolanne/gifts).



> This spans both the events of Flowers in the Attic & Petals on the Wind but it does deviate in some major instances.

_During - The First Day_

She's tired. And she's hungry. And this isn't fun like how Momma and Cathy said it. 

She wants her Daddy. And her room at home. And her stuffed bear that Cathy didn't pack for her. 

And she hates the Grandmother. She hates her and she hates this stupid house. 

And a little part of her hates Momma. 

* * * 

_After - Day Forty-Five_

She is afraid to enter the white hospital room. So afraid in fact that she can't move forward not even with Dr. Paul's encouraging smile as Chris holds the door open. Carrie is shaking too much to move forward. She can see the flash of impatience on Cathy's face that fades as her sister looks over to Chris. 

_(At times, Cathy is far too much like Momma. Carrie often wonders if Cathy knows this or if she just ignores it.)_

Cathy kneels down to her level. Her older sister gently brushes some hair off of her face. 

"It's okay Carrie," Cathy tells her. "I promise you that everything is okay." 

She wants to say something but her tongue is glued to the roof of her mouth. A part of her knows that this is just a dream. It's not real. And when she walks into that door, she'll be back in the attic and the Grandmother will be there with the whip to beat the sin out of her. This is what she deserves not this sweet dream.

Carrie shuts her eyes out and makes a keening sound. 

"Is she alright?" Dr. Paul asks. 

"I think she's scared," Cathy says to him. 

Her voice is sickly sweet, not like it was when she had spoken to Carrie just a second ago. 

"It's alright Carrie," Cathy says as she lifts her up. 

A part of her wants to insist that she's not a baby anymore but she doesn't. Instead, she wraps her arms and legs around the comforting shape of her sister. Cathy stands up and Carrie clings to her tightly as she pushes her face into the soft, warm curve of Cathy's shoulder. She tries to take some strength from her sister. 

"Cathy, you shouldn't do that," Chris says. "She's a big girl and she should walk into that room on her own."

Carrie can feel how Cathy flinches at Chris' words. 

_(If Cathy is only like Momma some of the time, Chris is never like Daddy. Instead he's more like Momma and the Grandmother. Resolute and unmoveable.)_

"Not now, Chris," Cathy snidely says. 

Cathy carries her into the room and passes by Chris. She rubs a comforting hand up and down Carrie's spine. It makes her feel safe. It reminds her of so many times in the attic when Cathy was more like a mother than a sister. 

"Carrie, it's okay now, you can open your eyes."

Carrie slowly pulls her head up and looks into her sister's face. There's hope and joy on her face and she feels like maybe, just maybe it might be okay. 

* * * 

_In-between - Pick a Day and Colour it a Pale Shade_

"I don't wanna wear a stupid dress," Carrie whines. 

Cory smiles at her as she says it in their secret language. Even now, Chris and Cathy haven't deciphered it. Carrie can't help but think that Chris isn't as smart as he likes to think he is. Daddy used to understand it when Carrie and Cory had spoken it in front of them. But not Chris who thinks he's so clever. 

"It's not gonna make Momma come and visit us," Carrie says with a pout. 

Cory sits down next to her and takes her small hand in his own. He smiles at her and it makes her feel like she's just seen a rainbow.

"But it's magic," Cory says. 

"Is not," Carrie petulantly replies. "No such thing as magic." 

"Yes there is," Cory tells her. 

"Then what it's supposed to do?"

"It's magic to make Momma appear," Cory tells her. 

"It hasn't yet," Carrie replies. "And it won't." 

"Because you don't believe in it," Cory patiently tells her. 

"If it's magic, it doesn't work because Cathy is bad at it." 

"You have to believe Carrie," Cory says. 

She looks at him and then looks down at her lap. The dress today is a fancy pink dress with layers and layers of tulle for a skirt. She'd much rather wear a pair of dungarees and a shirt so she and Cory can go upstairs and run around instead of waiting for Momma to show up for a tea party with her and Cathy that she promised to do with them two weeks ago and then forgot. Cory is dressed in a suit. Chris is in a chair dressed in a suit as well and Cathy is upstairs trying to find a book to read but she is also in a fancy party dress. 

"You have to believe," Cory tells her. 

"Why?" Carrie asks as she folds her arms across her chest. 

Cory looks up at Chris before whispering in her ear. 

"The Grandmother's God is very powerful, if you don't believe the magic won't work." 

She shivers. The Grandmother and her God terrify her. Maybe the pair of them are preventing Momma from visiting. 

"If I believe, will Momma come?" 

"It might not work right away but yes she should." 

She shuts her eyes and breathes in and out. She'll do her best to believe. If only to make Cory happy. When she opens her eyes, he's looking at her with a smile on his lips. 

"And I think you look pretty in your dress." 

Carrie's heart races in her chest in a queer way. Before she can say anything, Chris is standing up and walking towards them. It doesn't matter though. She will do her best. 

* * * 

_During - Year 2, Day Forty-Three_

Carrie follows Cathy up the stairs into the attic. Her sister is carrying up a basket of wet clothes. It's easy to tell Cathy is angry. 

_(It's always easy to read Cathy's mood even if they do change mercurial fast.)_

Cathy marches through the attic, until she reaches the room where they dry their clothes. Chris had picked this room because it seems to be the warmest room. Cathy drops the basket to the floor. It makes a loud thump that causes Carrie to flinch. She holds her breath as she waits for the Grandmother to burst through the room with her cold eyes to punish Cathy for not being quiet.

But nothing happens other than Cathy sighing as she brushes some hair off of her face. Carrie slowly exhales. 

"I don't see why this has to be _women's_ work," Cathy mumbles to herself. "Its not as if practicing to be a ballerina isn't as important as studying to be a doctor. He could do this once in a while." 

Carrie doesn't understand why Cathy is so mad. When Chris had asked her if she could take care of the laundry, Cathy had said she would with a bright smile for Chris and she had even quietly sung while she had washed their clothes. 

"Why are you mad?" Carrie quietly asks. 

Cathy makes a sound as she turns around and sees Carrie standing in the doorway. 

"You scared me," Cathy tells her. 

"I'm sorry but why are you mad?" 

Cathy shrugs her shoulders at Carrie. And Carrie knows that with that careless gesture that Cathy won't tell her the truth. She'll lie about being angry and she's so tired of being told she wouldn't understand. 

"Don't say you're not, I know you are!" Carrie quickly says. 

"Fine," Cathy replies with a sigh. "I get tired of Chris not wanting to wash our clothes. I get tired of having to do all of the hard work." 

There's something else that Cathy won't tell her. Carrie can tell by the furtive way that Cathy looks away from her. It's probably something to do with Momma. The only time Cathy ever really says anything bad about Momma is when she thinks Carrie and Cory can't hear them. 

"I can help you," Carrie tells her. 

Cathy gives her a tiny smile and leans towards her to hug her. 

"Just this time Princess Carrie," Cathy says ."You should be playing with Cory and having fun. Not being a drudge." 

* * * 

_After - Day Seven_

She's all alone in the room that she shares with her big sister. She knows that Cathy's gone to Chris. Even now far away from that awful attic, her brother and sister can't keep away from one another. It scares her because she knows it's a sin what they do. And she's afraid that if Dr. Paul or Henny find out they will be cast out with no where to go but the attic again. She trembles in her bed at the thought. 

What she doesn't think about is how jealous she is. Cathy has her other half but Carrie doesn't. Carrie feels incomplete and broken. She cries a few tears into her pillow but she bites her lip to keep from crying her heart out. Cory wouldn't want her to cry but she misses him so much. 

It's awful how she feels. When she looks at Cathy, she hates her sister for having what she can't have. Even if Chris and Cathy try to deny it, she knows how they feel. Most of all, Carrie hates her Momma for doing this to them. 

* * * 

_In-between - Pick a Day and Colour it a Dark Colour of Despair_

She can feel him slipping away. When he speaks it's in a mixture of their secret language and English. As she looks up to Chris and Cathy, she can see the terror in their faces. Cathy is white lipped as she looks on. Chris' eyes are wild with desperation. Cory pitifully calls out for Daddy but no one comes. It's just the four of them trapped in this awful, hateful room. 

Carrie weakly climbs out of her own bed and makes her way to the bed that Cory shares with Chris. She climbs in beside her brother and wraps her arm around his thin body. In that moment as he trembles against her, she decides that she hates the Grandmother's God. 

"Don't leave me," Carrie whispers in their secret language to him. 

"Cathy, we have to move them, if _she_ comes, she'll kill us," Chris says. 

"Let her," Cathy says. "Just let her." 

Cathy's voice is cruel and dark. It makes Carrie scared. But she holds onto her brother and hopes the magic that he always spoke of will save him when she mumbles every spell that she's ever read or seen on television. 

"Momma should be here," Cathy furiously says. "Momma should see what her greed is costing her." 

"Cathy, please calm down," Chris begs. 

Carrie tunes their fight out and focuses on Cory. If he goes, she doesn't think she'll be able to stay behind without him. 

"You can't go, Cory. We need you, I need you," Carrie tells him. 

There's an ominous sound of the door unlocking and everyone freezes in terror. And Momma enters. Almost immediately, Cathy is on her. Her anger is incandescent and Carrie closes her eyes to it. 

"Please Cory," Carrie pleads. 

* * * 

_During - Day Seventy-Five_

"I don't wanna," Carrie yells. 

"Please," Cathy implores her. "Just wear the dress." 

The dress in question is a pretty little girl's dress in a dark navy colour with itchy lace at the neck and collar. When she's worn it, it makes her feel like a delicate little doll. Especially when Cathy puts a blue satin ribbon in her hair and makes her wear itchy tights and tight formal shoes with it. 

"I don't wanna," Carrie insists. 

"It's just for a few hours, Cory and Chris are also dressed up." 

"Why?" Carrie demands. 

"It's Sunday," Cathy tells her. "It is God's day and Chris and I thought we should look proper." 

Cathy herself is also wearing a dark coloured dress. It looks like one she used to wear to church when Daddy was still alive. Carrie unfolds her arms from across her chest and nods at Cathy. She hates this and doesn't see why it's so important. It's not as if they will be going to church. 

When Cathy is finished dressing her, she takes her by the hand and leads her out of the bathroom. Carrie sits down at the table across from Cory .Cathy takes her own seat and Chris stands up from his seat and starts reading the Bible. It's dull, boring and worse than when they used to have to go to church. At least there was Sunday school back then. 

The Grandmother enters and looks at the four of them. She sneers down at them. Her eyes are cold, flat and cruel. They make Carrie feel sick to her stomach. The Grandmother sets down the picnic basket on the table. 

"What are you doing?" 

Her voice is sharp and mean. It feels like a sharp cut against her delicate skin. 

"I am reading the Bible to my siblings Grandmother," Chris tells her. 

"Girl, what is the meaning of this frippery?" 

"Even though we can't go to church like we would have gone when we were back home, Chris and I thought it would be important to do what we could to make it a solemn occasion," Cathy meekly replies. 

"Do you mean to mock God?" 

The Grandmother's eyes flash as if she's looking for something, anything, and Carrie trembles in fear. 

"No, Grandmother," Chris firmly replies 

The Grandmother's eyes flash as she looks at him. Her face is cruel and biting. Carrie thinks that she might strike him down dead with just a look. 

"When I want to hear you speak boy, I will tell you." 

Chris looks down, shame and anger plainly written on his face. 

"Girl, I asked a question, now answer it." 

"No we are not trying to mock God or anyone. We honestly thought that if we couldn't go to church we would do our best to honour God by reading the Bible today and dressing as if we were going to church." 

The Grandmother looks at the four of them. Her lips curve in a mean little smirk. 

"Very well, continue." 

She stands there are the door and Chris is silent. Carrie counts from one to twenty before the Grandmother barks at Chris again. 

"Boy, I told you to continue. When I tell you to do something, I expect you to do it immediately." 

Chris picks up the Bible and starts reading from where he left off. The Grandmother stands there, watching him and Carrie knows that she's judging Chris in that moment. She knows that the Grandmother will only hate him more. She doesn't dare look over at Cory. 

When Chris is finished, he sets the Bible down on the table. The Grandmother nods at him. 

"Girl, do the younger two pray?" 

"Yes ma'am, every night." 

"Do you teach them anything?" 

"I am trying to teach them the Psalms," Cathy tells her. 

"Very well, you may continue this. I doubt it will do anything since the four of you are the vile creations of sin, but there is no harm in learning the glory of God." 

The Grandmother gives them another malicious sneer before sweeping out of the room. Cathy looks over at Chris with tears in her eyes. Carrie wishes that she were bigger to make the Grandmother pay for her cruelty. 

* * * 

_Future - Some Cloudy Day_

Shelley reminds her of Henny in some ways. Carrie couldn't say why but she feels safe when she is with her roommate. She hadn't wanted to go to college but Dr. Paul had insisted that she do so. So she's at college to study literature and maybe get a degree. She has promised Dr. Paul that she'd give it a try for at least two years. 

It's the first time that she's ever been apart from her family. And she had hated it at first until Shelley had befriended her. Shelley is everything that Carrie is not. she's a plump girl with shining dark hair and bright green eyes. She laughs at almost anything and doesn't take a thing seriously. Except for her classes. Shelley is a double major. She's studying Lit like Carrie and History. When she's not busy with her studies, she's always asking a million and one questions. 

"Do you have a sweetie back home?" Shelley had asked on their first meeting. 

"What do you think of Vermont?" 

"What do you think about those girls that were protesting the other day?" 

"Have you ever been drunk?" 

"Why do you call your father Dr. Paul and not dad?" 

"What happened to your parents?" 

And so many more. And even though most of them are intrusive enough to make Carrie feel slightly sick and uncomfortable, Shelley's never mean when she asks them. She is just a curious girl. Sometimes at night, when the room is dark and Shelley is sleeping and Carrie can hear her soft breathing, she will wonder how Shelley would have survived the attic. At times she is tempted to tell her the truth. 

But then she remembers that she is nothing but a sinful creation and she's afraid of tainting Shelley. Carrie will bite her lip and turn over on her bed and try not to cry. 

* * * 

_After - Day Twenty-One_

Henny is mopping her forehead with a damp cloth. Cathy is standing in the doorway, wringing her hands. She can see the worry on written on her sister's face. Dr. Paul and Chris are quietly conversing in the hallway. 

Carrie knows that she's going to die. She doesn't want to because she knows how much that will hurt everyone but she knows it. Her whole body hurts and she feels like she's on fire. She can almost see the familiar spectre of Death standing grimly in the corner of the room. 

Dr. Paul enters the door frame and Carrie can almost see the look of jealousy that must be on Chris' face when the older man puts a hand on Cathy's shoulder. She hopes that Chris will do his best to keep his love hidden away. She can already see that Dr. Paul looks at Cathy different than how he looks at her. Dr. Paul looks at Carrie like she's a beloved daughter already but he looks at Cathy just how Chris does. It frightens her. 

"It'll be okay," Dr. Paul tells Cathy. "I want to take some tests to be sure but I think she just has influenza." 

It sounds awful and she's certain she's going to die now. She's not sure why Dr. Paul is so calm about this. 

"But why is she so sick?" Cathy demands. 

"Chris and I think it might be do to the fact that you haven't been exposed to very many illnesses in your, uh, _confinement_ and with your weakened systems, it's hit her a bit harder than it would normally. In fact, I want you and Chris to stay away as I am afraid it might make you both as sick." 

Cathy gives the doctor a worried look. 

"Henny and I are only two people, Cathy let us nurse your sister back to health without having to worry about you or Chris." 

Dr. Paul's voice is soft and comforting. Carrie's certain he's lying but Cathy nods her assent and maybe just maybe he's not lying. Carrie's too afraid to trust him quite yet. 

* * * 

_During - Year Three, Day Ninety-One_

Cory pushes away the donut that Cathy is trying to feed him 

"I don't wanna," Cory mumbles. "It tastes yucky." 

Cathy sighs and offers it to Carrie. She shakes her head to say no. If Cory won't eat it, then she won't either. 

"No it's yucky," Carrie says before she sticks her tongue out to make a yucky face. 

"Let it be Cathy," Chris tiredly says. 

Carrie tries not to move too much. Whenever she moves, it seems to upset Cory. He mumbles to her in their secret language to never eat the donuts again. When she asks why he tells her that because Daddy told him to tell her that. She agrees to it. 

"Do you think Momma will keep her word?" Cathy asks. 

"I wish you wouldn't do this all of the time," Chris angrily replies. 

"Do what?" Cathy asks as she set the donut on the table. "Question our mother's motives? Cory is very sick, he needs to be in a hospital but she's refusing to take care of him." 

"You know that the Grandfather can't find out about us," Chris tells her. "If he does, then all of this will be for naught." 

"You still believe her don't you?" Cathy accuses. 

Carrie shrinks further into the bed. Cory takes her hand into his. His hand feels clammy and damp to her. They both hate it when Chris and Cathy fight. 

"Why wouldn't I? She's our mother Cathy," Chris says. 

Cathy marches until she's standing in front of him her hands on her hips. 

"She married a lawyer, isn't he supposed to find her a way to keep the money and us?" Cathy asks. 

"Why do you always have to believe the worse in her Cathy? Why can't you just trust the fact that she's doing all that she can." 

Cathy turns away from the sound of his disappointment. 

"Because we're dying in this room," Cathy whispers. "She doesn't see us anymore, we're just shadows of her former life." 

"Don't say that Cathy, you have to stay hopeful," Chris says. 

Cathy bites out a harsh laugh. 

"Tell them," Cory tells Carrie. 

Reluctantly, she slides out of the bed and makes her away over to Cathy. 

"Carrie you should be in bed," Cathy sadly tells her. 

"Why are you angry?" Carrie asks. 

"I am just worried, sweetheart," Cathy tells her.

Her voice is gentle but Carrie can tell that her sister is still angry and she's afraid to tell her Cory's secret. But she would do anything for Cory. 

"Cory wanted me to tell you that Daddy said not to eat the donuts." 

There's one terrifying moment when Cathy almost drops here because she goes weak. Chris is right there, holding Cathy up.

"Why would he say that?" Cathy asks. 

"Because Daddy told him too," Carrie says. "Wanna go back to Cory." 

"Give them some broth from the soup, don't touch any of the donuts," Chris orders Cathy as he lets her go. 

"What are you doing?" Cathy asks. 

"Just do as I tell you, please," Chris tells her. "For once, just do as I ask without demanding to know why." 

Cathy nods. She grips Carrie tighter as the pair of them watch Chris pick up the donut that Cathy had tried to feed Chris earlier before running up the attic stairs. Cathy takes her back to Cory and then starts preparing them a bowl of the soup to share. Carrie doesn't understand what's going on, she just hopes that Momma will forget about coming back and that Cory will stay with her forever and ever. 

* * * 

_In-between - Pick a Day and Colour it Crimson for Luck_

Cathy has already crept up the stairs to dance her heart out. And Chris has just crept up the same stairs to watch her from the shadows. Cory climbs into the bed that she shares with Cathy. She smiles at them. No matter what the Grandmother says, she doesn't believe that this is a sin. 

"Do you remember the sky?" Cory asks in their secret language. 

"Yes," Carrie replies.

"I remember one time when Daddy was teaching me to ride my bike and it was all pink and red and blue and gold." 

"I miss Daddy," Carrie says. 

"I do too," Cory says. 

"You won't ever leave me will you?" Carrie asks. 

"Never," Cory vows. 

"How do I know you're not lying," Carrie asks. 

He gives her a look that makes him look like a little old man. And she can't help but giggle. 

"When we're old enough I will marry you," Cory says. 

Once upon a time, he had always sworn he'd never marry because girls were gross. Even his sisters and Momma. Daddy had laughed and said that one day Cory would change his mind before he had wrapped an arm around Momma. Cory and Carrie had watched as Daddy placed a kiss on Momma's cheek and Daddy had said that one day Cory would meet a girl that would make him feel the way that Momma made Daddy feel and he'd change his mind. 

"Promise?" Carrie asks. 

"I'll even seal it with a kiss," Cory says. 

Her heart beats in her chest because some part of her knows that this is very, very, very wrong. This is just as wrong as how Chris watches Cathy from the shadows of their paper garden. But she nods her head yes. Cory leans over her and his eyes are serious as he looks down at her. 

"I promise to marry you,' Cory says before brushing his lips against her own. 

Her heart is beating so loud that she's surprised that Cathy and Chris can't hear it. 

"Now you need to do the same thing," Cory tells her. 

She repeats his words and kisses him. He smiles down at her, the matter resolved. 

* * * 

_Future - Some Rainy Day_

"Love's not sinful," Shelley insists. "Love is pure." 

"It isn't," Carrie says. "Especially not the love in that book." 

"Carrie quit being a little prude," Shelley says. "You don't have to be married to have sex." 

"Sex is not love," Carrie tells her friend. 

Shelley shakes her head and gives her a sad look. 

"I know you grew up in some religious household but trust me Carrie, no one has ever been struck down because of sex and it is very much love." 

There's something gentle in her friend's words to her that causes the dam in Carrie to burst open and the truth comes pouring out of her. She's powerless to stop them. She tells Shelley about the attic and about it all. 

* * * 

_During - Year 3, Day Ninety-Five_

"If we don't leave, we won't ever leave," Cathy hisses at Chris. 

"We _need_ more money," Chris tells her. 

"You always say that but they're both getting sick and if we don't leave none of us will make it out alive." 

"Cathy you don't know that, one or two more days and I will be able to get enough cash so that we can get far away from here." 

Cathy makes some inarticulate rage as Carrie nudges Cory away. She knows that in the end, Cathy will get her way. Cory weakly looks at her. 

"Gonna see the sky again," Carrie mumbles to him their secret language. 

He can't even manage a smile. 

"What's to stop them putting _it_ in our other food," Cathy demands. "No we leave tonight." 

"Let me at least go out and get some more money, just one last time and then we will go," Chris tells her.

"No, I will do it," Cathy tells him. 

"It's not safe," Chris tells her. 

"I can't carry them upstairs nor all of the things that we need," Cathy says. 

Carrie knows her sister is lying but watches as Chris gives her the key. 

"Fine, but I think this is not a good idea." 

There's a coldness in Cathy's eyes. One that she only ever uses on Momma. 

"Of course, you don't," Cathy bitterly says. "You'll protect her to the very end, won't you?" 

"Be quick," Chris orders before turning away. 

Cathy drops into a curtsey before sneaking out of the room. Carrie doesn't want her to go. She's afraid of what will happen. 

* * * 

_In-between - Pick a Day and Colour it Grey_

"Let her walk," Chris admonishes Cathy. "It's not as if you have the strength to carry her." 

Cathy gives him a dark look. And Carrie can't quite decipher it. She really wants to walk but she's so tired. She wants to remember everything to tell Cory about it but everything hurts. Cathy picks her up and Carrie wraps her arms and legs around the soft, safe form of her sister. She realizes in that moment that she forgets what Momma felt like. She can still remember Daddy's kisses and hugs but she can't recall what shade of blue Momma's eyes were. She makes a noise of distress. 

"It's okay Carrie," Cathy whispers to her. 

She's not quite sure how much time passes but one moment they had been walking in dark, grey coloured forest and now they are swaying on a bus. The motion makes her stomach churn. She helplessly watches as Cory vomits all over the place. The smell of it makes her own weak stomach reject the meagre contest of broth and milk from earlier. 

Some rude man shouts angrily and Cathy looks like she's about to cry. 

"We're not nearly far enough away," Cathy mumbles 

And then a lady is there, she's smiling at them and ushering the four of them off the bus and Carrie isn't sure what's happening. She looks to Cory because he always seems to know but he looks pale and grey. 

In the end, they take Cory away from her and she knows deep in the darkest part of her heart that he won't ever come back to her. She knows in that minute, no one makes promises and keeps them. 

* * * 

_Future - Some Sunny Day_

Jory is asleep and Cathy is courting with disaster not that it's Carrie's place to tell her sister that.. Over the years, she's come to accept that there are parts of her sister that are very dark. Each of them have a darkness in them. Once Carrie had asked Shelley if she thought that the darkness in each of them was because they were the product of sin. Shelley had looked up from her musty-smelling, second-hand text book and had laughed. 

Shelley had told her that the Grandmother and Momma had cultivated that darkness in each of them when they had conspired to lock them up in an attic and keep them hidden forever. Shelley had reminded her that the sin of their parents wasn't their sin to carry. Sometimes Carrie wonders what Shelley would say now. She sighs and leans into the warm and comforting body next to her. 

Cory's arms tighten around her in the dim light of her bedroom. Cathy is off making revenge against Momma. Carrie knows that Cathy needs her proverbial pound of flesh before she can let go of the past and to be happy. If things had been different, then maybe she would have been the same as Cathy. But she's not the same as Cathy. 

"Why did you come here?" Cory quietly asks. 

They've long since stopped using their secret language and sometimes Carrie misses it. 

_(Just like how sometimes she misses the attic despite how evil it was. At least there she knew what everything meant. Even when she didn't understand it. Now she's free and she's never quite sure what to expect.)_

"To protect Cathy," Carrie says. 

The words are simple and spoken in their old language. She can feel Cory shift in the bed next to her. They're full clothes and nothing sinful happened. They've just cuddled one another. She's afraid that she'll lose him forever soon enough. Just like how it looks like Cathy has finally pushed Chris far enough away. In the last letter from Chris he had told Carrie all about his new girlfriend. Cathy had scoffed at the idea but Carrie knows that one day, if Cathy's not careful, Chris won't come running. 

"She's an adult," Cory says. 

There's a bit of anger in his voice. Neither brother truly understands what motivates Cathy but Carrie does. She understands it and she pities her sister for the deep seated need to make their mother suffer. Carrie often wishes that Cathy could just forgive her and let her go. Momma has nothing but a pile of money and a younger husband who strays quite a bit. The four of them are very much alive and happy. 

"She took care of us," Carrie simply says. 

"Chris says she's using you," Cory tells her. 

Carrie laughs. Of course, Chris would think that. He's so blinded by the fact that Cathy had rejected him after her disaster marriage. Instead of accepting Cathy's close bonds to her family. he had dumped her. Cathy had come home to find him having sex with another dancer in their marriage bed. And then Julian had ugly words for Cathy. So many that Cathy had decided to quit dancing - maybe forever - to seek out their mother and make her pay for all of the damage that she had caused. 

Before leaving New York, Cathy had filed for divorce and had left Julian with his new flame. Carrie doesn't agree with what Cathy's done. After all her sister has always said that dancers have to be full of passion to be able to dance like they do and she hopes that once _this_ \- whatever it is - is finally finished that Cathy will go back to New York and find her peace in dance. 

"Of course Chris sees it that way," Carrie quietly replies. "He's not happy that I am not taking his side. Did he tell you that he thinks that Cathy manipulated me to come her and be Jory's nanny? Or did he tell you that he thinks that Cathy lied to me? Or threatened me?" 

Cory pulls away from her and sits up. "What do you mean?" 

"He's told me plenty of what he thinks is going on," Carrie angrily says. "He's just mad that Cathy didn't see things his way." 

"And what way is that?" Cory asks. 

"Don't you know?" Carrie asks. 

She's not sure of how much of Chris and Cathy's relationship Cory knows until he flushes an shade of red that can only mean embarrassment. 

"Chris thinks that Cathy should run away with him," Carrie flatly tells her brother. 

Cory reaches over and takes her hand. He runs his thumb along the top of her hand just like he used to when they were little. Just like he used to right up until Chris caught them doing it and called them out. That was the day when Carrie realized that Chris was a hypocrite. 

_(In some ways, Carrie has realized that Chris is just like Momma. Cathy may have a need to be the object of every man's desire but she's more like the Grandmother in her need to seek revenge.)_

"But what about us?" Cory quietly asks. 

Carrie laughs. It's a bitter sound and Cory looks at her with wide eyes. She can't believe her brother is this innocent. Even after everything. Then again, it had taken him the better part of two years to recover from the attic. He had almost died in the attic and only his promises to Carrie had kept him living. There were times when Dr. Paul had worried that he wouldn't make it through his long recovery. And because of it, Cory didn't see the things that Carrie had. 

He never saw how Chris would try to coerce their sister into returning his affection even after Cathy had told him that she wanted to put that away, to lock it in the attic and never let it out. He never saw how Cathy had hardened after the attic while Chris had become brittle and tried to keep things the same away from the attic. She sighs. 

"I don't think that Chris always thinks about us," Carrie says. "I don't think he means to but I think he just wants to be with Cathy and have Jory as their son and if we're there, it's too many people to keep a secret." 

"We'd never tell anyone about them," Cory says. 

"But if you marry someone, she'd be an extra person to discover the secret." 

"And what about you?" 

Carrie looks at him. "I don't plan on getting married ever." 

"But what about children?" Cory asks. 

Cathy is lucky that what their mother did to them hasn't prevented her from having a child. Carrie will never have one. Her body was too poisoned to recover from that. Maybe that's part of why she's hear because maybe deep down she wants Momma to pay for that. 

She shakes her head sadly at Cory and he understands. 

"I don't plan on ever marrying anyone either," Cory tells her. 

She puts her head on his shoulder. In a few minutes she will need to get up and start making dinner. 

"Why?" Carrie asks. 

"Because I can't marry you and I promised that I'd marry you." 

She smiles in the gloom of her bedroom. There's a part of her that desperately wants to release him from his promise. But she can't and she won't. She knows that they may never progress from cuddling and maybe sweet, gentle kisses but she's surprisingly okay with that. As long as he never lets her go, she'll take whatever he is capable of giving her. 

"If," Cory starts to say. 

"If what?" Carrie asks. 

He looks down into his lap and grips her hand tightly. Almost too tightly. 

"If Chris ever convinces Cathy to be his wife, we should go with them. We can find a way to make it work."

"People may notice how much we look alike," Carrie says. 

It's a pleasant dream but not a realistic one. Cory shakes his head. 

"Jory looks more like Julian than he does of us and we can dye our hair a dark colour. People only ever see what they want to see," Cory tells her. "If we can be whomever we want. You can keep your hair blonde and tell people you're Cathy's sister and I can dye my hair black and be Chris' brother." 

She doesn't think it will work out but she nods her head. She's seen the picture of their parents and knowing how they were related, she can only work out the familial resemblance between them when she really focuses on it. Otherwise, she still has a hard time believing what the Grandmother told them. 

"Okay," Carrie finally says. 

* * * 

_In-between - Pick a Day and Colour it Golden_

Jory was a sweet baby but Bart is a bit more temperamental. Cory sings songs to him that calm him down and Carrie watches as he does. Chris has finally had his wish come true. He was surprised when Cory had told him they would all go as a family but he had agreed to it when Cathy had made it a condition. 

And just like that, their family had changed. Chris and Cory remained bothers, while Cathy and Carrie had remained sisters. Chris and Cathy became husband and wife, and Carrie's not really sure what she and Cory are. 

The attic seems so far away from them all now. There are times when something will put her right back in the attic but then it'll be gone as quick as it was there. She'll see Cory at the piano that Dr. Paul had bought him composing a piece of music for Cathy to dance to. Or Jory will climb into her lap and ask for a story. Or she'll even see Chris wrap his arm around Cathy's waist and kiss her on the cheek. 

In the end, Carrie prefers walking in their very real garden where the flowers are pretty and plentiful. She enjoys the way the sun shines on the flowers and the way the bees flit from flower to flower to collect pollen. She can barely even recall what their paper garden looked like. 

In the end, questions of sin don't bother her. The minute the six of them had come out west, she had cast aside the mantle of sin that the Grandmother had tried to shroud them in. She is free and that's all that matters. 

((END))


End file.
